The Safety Of Routine

2:07pm: New
Please Read or Add my new journal.


The_Frailty

10:22am: Driving lessons today!

7:41pm: Years Before
When I was little I used to think that my mother and father would never die.
Dying was for old people.
And my parents never seemed to age.

Now between 30 dead students and two dead babies in one week....
i honestly don't know what to think.

3:22pm: Deadstock
Day One



...A person like you could really make things alright for me

2:44pm: No Subject
"now i do as i please and i lie through my teeth
someone might get hurt but it won't be me
i should probably feel cheap but i just feel free
and a little bit empty"

5:27pm: One More Time (radio Edit)
My mother is really sick.

5:13pm: The Kill
I wake up before my alarm clcok, soaked to the skin with sweat. Outside the sun hasn't quite risen yet. The coulds are dark and the rain comes down in thick sheets. He is asleep, I can barely see his chest rise and fall with each breath. I undress and step into the cool shower. My head is foggy from all the alcohol I drank last night. After a shower and a can of diet coke I am almost human. The alarm goes off at 7am and I wake Joey. Once I get dopped off at my parents house I don't bother crashing on the couch. I have promised Kim that I would write an english paper for her. The paper is based on one of my favorites. The Stanger. I get 50 pages into the novel and fall asleep at the kitchen table. It's 8.3o when my mother wakes me.
"Late night?" She askes.
I think of the vodka thats probably still in my system but shrug instead.
"Kinda"
I set the alarm on my phone and sleep on the couch til 9.25am.
Walking to work isn't usually a chore. However the rain is still coming down as if it has no intention of ever stopping. As I step through puddle after puddle I can't help but think of The Day After Tomorrow. One day our precious island will be under water and in some weird way this makes me smile. Work goes fast for a Thursday. I bite my nails and drink another Diet Coke. My work is finished by one o'clock so I spend the last half hour reading and jotting down notes. Assays used to be my specialty however today I am nervous. And I can't seem to concentrate. My interview for St. Joe's is today. This is when I meet the cousnelor and see the school. I also get to hand in my application and essay. I actually talk to God while walking to the library. "Please God-Let me get in. If not where will I go?" My mother doesn't think I should have dropped out of Briarcliffe but i was so unhappy there I could never go back. And there is no turning back now. I get halfway to the library and the rain stops. I take that as a good sign but keep walking anyway with my umbrella in hand.

4:21pm: hmm
[I] am getting rather heavy o.0

2:50pm: Here I Am
I never write anything good in here anymore.
Today seems to be another waste of a day. It's beautiful outside, like sevety degrees and yet I haven't done anything. I was supposed to do so much today but didn't. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was up till 3am just laying in bed listening the sounds of the night. I could not sleep for the life of me. I took 75mg of Seroquel and it did nothing. Last night was the first time I've taken meds in like a week. I thought that would knock me out but I guess I was wrong. It did nothing. When seven o'clock rolled around I was restless and my stomach hurt so I didn't go to my parents house I just staye din bed until 2. I was supposed to wake up early and go into NYC for the day to see Heidi but that all went to shit.I was also supposed to go to school at some point today and finish my FAFSA form for financial aid, but didn't do that either. I have no motivation lately. All I want to do is nothing. i also keep getting this tingly feeling in my feet. It sucks. I want to go back on the pump but i don't know when that will happen.I really want to drop out of college. I really don't like it. I tried it and hated it.Its safe to say I hate it more than high school. At least high school had a point to it. Ugh just thinking about it pisses me off.
The only good thing to happen to me lately would be getting the job at Family Aids. Its a secretary jobs but it pays good and if I work there long enough I'll be elegible for health insurance. That could really benifit me in the long run.
Thats enough complaining for now.

2:36pm: one.
"Respect everyone, trust no one."

7:36pm: i just saw the first trailer for Pirates 3- At Worlds End
It fucking amazing! I cant' wait to see it.

7:28pm: breathing in lightning
Joe is asleep and it's only eight o'clock so I fgured I would make a quick entry.


I keep having these dreams that He is hurting You.
And in the dream it is all my fault. Which holds some truth because in real life if He were ever to hurt You it would be because of me...
Last night was the worst one yet. You lay lifeless in my arms as I screamed for you to breathe but you wouldn't...
Some one kept shaking me....
When I opened my eyes I was in bed and Joe wanted to know what had me so upset.
How could I explain this to him?
How can I explain this to anyone?
I can't keep talking to You because I feel myself growing more and more attached to You and I'm afraid where that may lead.
But your intentions are pure and I love that about you.

8:38am: Home

8:35am: odd
It feels very weird to be back.
I don't know what to do first

3:02pm: Haunted
So here's the deal. I'm going to post this on my Myspace and Livejournal but I don't know who reads what so whatevs.

In seven to ten days I'm leaving for White Plains. I'll be gone for a month. Its a Diabetes treatment program at NY Presbeterian hospital.

I don't know whats going to happen when I get back. Whether I'll live with Joe or move back home. Either way we're staying together.

The thing is I've been really sick for a while and haven't said anything to any of my friends. I'ms orry for that. You deserve to be updated. I've just been in denial all this time. It's time to take care of myself.

It's time to grow up. Time to get well. Time to grab my life by the balls and take control for once.


"...If love is just a joke then why are we living?"

1:34pm: the muder scene
I've really been on a bender and it shows
So why don't you blow me a kiss before she goes?

Give me a shot to remember
And you can take all the pain away from me
A kiss and I will surrender
The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead
A light to burn all the empires
So bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be
In love with all of these vampires
So you can leave like the sane abandoned me

12:17pm: trying new things?
good!
i hope it kills you







Hate is a strong word but i really really dont like you.

12:16pm: here in your arms
I like where we are,
When we drive, in your car
I like where we are.... Here

Cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me.
I like where you sleep... here

Our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Our lips, can touch
Our lips, can touch...here

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's hello I miss you, I miss you
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Here in your arms.
Here in your arms.

2:11pm: Bled Dry
Here I am at UPS working till seven now because my class got cancelled. Afterwards Im hanging out with Jared Hurray! Maybe we'll do something fun.
Last night I smoked and now I feel really weird.
But I took the train to work today and managed not to pass out. Hurray!
im tired of updating ill write more later.

7:41pm: Capitan
once again i find myself asking myself "what the hell am i doing here?"
I hate graphic deisign so why am i majoring in it?
I mean don't get me wrong i love the people here and im making friends but its been almost
two years and I still dont have an answer to my question.
This is all pointless to me. I dont want a carrer where i am sitting behind a computer
screen all day. I want a hands on job. something that sparks my interest.

and im tired of ending up in the hospital every other week.
yes once again Friday I was in the hospital.
This time it was because I was on the train and passed out from something.
All of a sudden boom! I'm on the ground.
they wanted to call am ambulance but i said i was fine.
When i got to Sayville train station i took a cab to Brookhaven.
They thought I had pnemonia then hypotermia. Turns out it was neither
"an infection" they always say. But they never say where they just pump me full of meds and send
me on my merry way.

Sunday was the Bowling tornament. My first with the school team. I had a lot of fun.
The kids on the team are really nice to me. And made me feel like I belonged.
It was cool to be social for a little while. I was beginning to forget what that
felt like.

Today I stayed in bed until 4:00pm.Just slept all day. Didn't go to work.
Tomorrow I have to go in the UPS and work for a little while but thats okay.
I like it there.
I wasnt even going to come into school today but Joe made me.
I feel like shitm my stomach keeps cramping up.
I finished my work early in class but what else is new. I always put in minimum effort and
pass because my teacher doesnt really care. I just do what he says and get on with it.

I really want to start saving money because I want to go visit sal again.
I miss him a lot.

And i really want a DDR mat for my PS2
Okay thats all for now.
BTW im still reading Crosses I didn't get very far at all with it. Hopefully
tonight I'll just polish off the whole thing.


<3

7:59pm: shes in troubel
i finished Aimee finally.
next on my list is Crosses.
hurray for really good books that dont suck!

6:08pm: on a mac again
im in class waiting for the teacher to begin class. I wasnt even going to come in tonight but took a nap and felt better afterward.
today i bowled again. The only difference from today and yesterday is yesterday I actually did okay today I sucked balls.
still reading Aimee. Hopefully with finish that tonight or tomorrow.
thats all for now.
I need to get my shit together.

9:38pm: Sorrow
I worry about you.




Fucking drugs will be the end of everyone i love.

6:50pm: on a mac
"what makes a person a writer?"
I cant help but wnder this, but who am i kidding. Ill never be ther great witer I had always imagined myself to be.
Somehow I always drop back to where i started from.
Phase one: hate the classes im taking, obsess over stupid shit, not excersising anymore, eating like crap, sleeping too much, skipping work.
There is a woman sitting across from me that i am dying to make frun of. but i cant because look at me. nose running chapped lips stringy hair, fat, short, socks dont match broken my glasses i mean jasus christ im a mess .
Page Layout. what a joke. I finished my project days ago at least tonight im only here till 8.00 Hell maybe i will get out a little early. my eating disorder is poping its head out today. i binged and now later i will probably purge. im so pathetic. eewww
i miss my best friends.
i need to to talk to someone. need some intervention but what? who?
ugh time to go back to class.
dont comment on this shit
i dont need pity.

5:49pm: Stop Me
I feel like death ran me over a couple times. I look like it as well. I have not been sleeping well. I want to go home. I don't want to be in school right now.
With ten minutes until class I'm not even sure If i am going to go.
ugh.